Gobble-gobble

Nope, it hasn't snowed - this photo was taken last year, but this is the weekend I decorate the house plants for the holidays. Our tiny house is too small for a full-blown tree - even if I were someone who believed in killing a perfectly happy tree for a few weeks of glitz and glam. Plant ladies don't murder plants if they can help it.

In many ways this tradition of decorating the family houseplants is more meaningful to me than if I bought a fir tree down at the market. The Christmas cactus at the center of the photo is the one I inherited from my grandmother - she in turn inherited it from her mother, the original Sallie Tierney. The "library table" on which the plants stand was also my grandmother's and appears in Christmas photographs all the way back to the 1930s.

And speaking of traditions, every year my sister calls to ask how to roast a turkey - this Thanksgiving was no exception. I take it as a compliment that she thinks I actually know how to perform this mystical seasonal ritual. Our grandmother (same one who passed down the Christmas cactus) hated cooking - agonized over holiday dinners so intensely that she made herself sick with stress every year. I don't remember her ever just enjoying the holidays. She agonized over every dish - but especially the turkey.

Over the years I must have tried dozens of turkey roasting theories. I've basted, trussed, rubbed, brined, stuffed, unstuffed, herbed, buttered, oiled, smoked and bar-b-qued - roasted breast side up and breast side down - quick cook and slow cook. The only thing I have never tried is deep fried - I'm a total coward when it comes to boiling oil!

I have found only one sure-fire, stress-free, perfect way to roast a turkey - and it is also the easiest method. Here's the instructions for benefit of my sister and all other turkey-intimidated folks:

1. Thaw bird (remembering to remove the weird little packets of turkey guts)
2. Rub olive oil all over the bird. Tuck wing tips under bird - wrap drumstick ends with foil
3. IF YOU WISH, rub bird inside and out with herbs/spices of your choice - I like lemon pepper this year. Think of the turkey as a humongous chicken and get creative. Forget the salt - most turkeys are pumped with salt water these days.
4. No matter how tempted, do not stuff anything at all into the cavity! No onions, herbs, bread - nothing. Why ask for trouble? It roasts more evenly unstuffed.
5. Place bird in roasting pan breast side up. Pour an inch or two of water or white wine or both in roasting pan. DON'T COVER!
6. Place bird on lower rack of an oven preheated to 475 degrees - Yep, I said 475. Roast for 30 to 45 minutes at that temperature until top of bird is starting to brown. This step seals in the moisture, ensuring that the turkey will not be dry.
7. Now, lower oven temperature to 325 or 350. Loosely cover turkey with a sheet of aluminum foil. (Do not use roasting pan lid)
8. Take a nap, go shopping, eat a can of black olives, feed the cat, write a poem. Don't even think about the turkey. It's not going anywhere and doesn't need anything from you.If you just can't stand not peeking, check it after a few hours - add water to the roasting pan if it's getting dry. Baste if it makes you feel noble.
9. After about 5 or 6 hours (for a 20lb bird) the little button will pop up (if you bought one of those button-equipped turkeys) - or you can use a meat thermometer or wiggle a leg to see if the turkey is done.
10. When the turkey is done, remove from oven and let it "rest" for 15 or 20 minutes. Carve it. Serve it. Save the bones for the best part of the meal - turkey soup! (People who know me, know that I have the stock pot going well before anyone sits down to the holiday meal.)

Okay, that's it. Print it up, Mary Ann, so you won't have to call in a few weeks - but call anyway!